green

i was thinking (what a surprise, not) and i realize that i am a jealous person more than i like to let on and i think a lot of people are that way. it seems to be human nature to want something and then be upset when people get it and we don't. no one likes to admit it when they are jealous but we all are. the worst part is when you don't know you want something until you see someone else get it and then you decide "not fair, i want it". there is no justifying why you feel jealous, you just do. or maybe i just do. food for thought?

mine is the green one.

now that the kids are all on kairos it makes me think of kairos and brings me back to all those thoughts and lessons. i am praying for them every moment. i am also praying that their new found enlightenment might bring me some real inspiration to get back on track from my relapse. it isn't motivation i need, it is drive. i just need to realize that not doing anything might avoid the problem for now but it will be back sooner or later. i'm hoping later but that really is out of my control.

really things are not too bad. today i took a gov test and although it did not go to well, it did make for nice conversation with tim elliot. that has been the goal for a few days now. i can always dig good conversation with interesting people. i'm looking forward to this weekend. it is superbowl sunday and then next weekend i'm supposed to go to oregon.

Music: All American Rejects, Slow Motion Tag Team - NPSH, Why We Thugs - Ice Cube

do something, do nothing

i hate these days when i sit with so much to do and yet i do nothing. i am just not motivated perhaps. i don't know, but i hate the feeling.

enough downer confessions. yesterday was really fun. Claire, Sarah, Elsie, Stephanie, and i went to the roseville galleria to shop for dresses for all our upcoming dances. they all faired quite well, and i didn't buy anything (because i don't need to really buy anything more). that night i went to Mina's 18th bday celebration which was really fun. there were quite a few people there. we danced to ghetto-fab music, ate bbq chicken pizza, and i made new friends.


i ended up opting to stay the night and went four-wheeling with mina's friend keegan and her friends zack and matt. matt has a really sweet jeep, which i am totally in love with. the jeep, and maybe matt too. no, not quite, but i do think he is really cute and we got along well and had a lot to talk about. i don't know. that whole deal was weird inside my head because i'm a bit hormonal right now. but i am hoping for more hangouts with them. anyway, we went to in and out after sitting, chatting, and freezing for about an hour in the jeep. then we headed back to mina's and zack and matt headed home. the rest of us were asleep by 3.

today i went to arden really quick with Brian so he could exchange some jeans and so i could get a new dream book at barnes and nobles. i got a more extensive dream dictionary. i'm looking forward to some fun analyzing.

Music: Tokyo Police Club, Fear Before the March of Flames, Star Wars Theme

what did you say

all week i've been having up and down moments. being hormonal does not help in that department, but i feel i've been doing a pretty good job keeping myself in check most of the time. tuesday i went to school and just felt like i did not want to be living at that moment. it wasn't like i wanted to be dead. it was more like i didn't feel productive and wished i could opt out of life that day in order to use it better another day. i did not get to go home but when i did i watched hours of The Real Housewives of Orange County while i laid on the couch in the dark. instantaneous recovery from my mope and then i went to the basketball game, which was awesome.

i realize that my grades will most likely suffer this semester. so far i haven't really been doing anything even though i have things i really should be doing. i have been keeping up on my government reading 9until right now) but i still got a bad grade on the quiz. we took a timed writing in lit today and i definitely bombed it. i'm sure i won't fair well on the Dante's Inferno test we have tomorrow. i should be studying for it now. there is always art as well, which i have not really done anything new since being shot down at portfolio review day. i'm really worried. my whole college plan is kind of slowly going south as of right now. i haven't applied for any of those scholarships my parents are requiring me to somehow get. it is hard to see things in longterm terms.

one good thing is my dreams continue to be loaded with entertainment, irony, and what i hope to be symbolic meaning. i'm keeping a log of them in my moleskin.

Music: Sufjan Stevens

through the looking glass

like i said i would, i am updating post-photo shoot, and with some great results and a little experience under my belt. my models were Greg Hufford, Paul Woolston, Elsie Michaels, and Brian Mitchell. after sorting through over 300 photos here is what i got. these are just a few of them and the rest can be seen on Facebook or on my Flickr. all the models did a great job, especially considering it was both their first time and my first time. it was fun. i especially want to thank Claire for being so great in assisting me and helping me feel confident throughout the entire process.







in other news, lately i've been having extremely vivid, loaded dreams so because i've been neglecting my moleskin i've decided to make it into a dream log. i love dreams and analyzing them. i can almost make myself dream, although i cannot control what i dream about. i probably sound like a complete phsycho but whatever. i'm going to get a more comprehensive dream symbol book than the one i already have. as far as the rest of my life is, right now it is good. i'm happy. i'm trying always to be as happy as possible even when things might not be perfect or super great. i'm going to sadie's with albert! that will be fun. i'm excited. i'm seeing the love from my closest friends on a daily basis and it makes me feel great. i'm living life. my heart fills with blood and beats like the 808.

Music: In My Nightmares - Kanye West, Youth - MGNT

stressin'

being a second semester senior is not all it is cracked up to be. i suppose some of the stresses i have are self-obtained, but i like to think that in the long run it will all be worth it. the list of things started out containing: laundry, clean room, paint nails, read for Mr. SyR, read ch8 in gov, read dante packet, revise CCA essay, go to greg's for bussiness, go to brian's for bussiness. so far i've accomplished 5/5 out of 9. most of what is left is just to read things.

aside from the stress, lately i've been needing a lot of affirmation and reassurance about a lot of things. i constantly am reminding myself to maintain confidence, especially in the artistic aspect of my life, but also in other areas. luckily i have claire to more often then not give me the affirmation i'm looking for. i realize that i have almost everything i need to do the things i want. i just have to do it and i have to do it for me and not anyone else. my number one problem with art is that i always worry about what other people will think of it. i suppose that is a problem facing high school art students because they are being graded and art is so subjective. but the fact of the matter is i am good when i do what i want and so i should continue to do it. i watched "My Kid Can Paint That" today and it made me realize that i have the potential to be as successful or more successful than that little girl. in my own right i am more talented and more intellectual than her just on age and experience alone. (i also think she is a fraud).

i'm feeling confident for the photoshoot next week. i have a lot of portfolio enhancing to do this week. i'll probably just post after the photoshoot with some results.

Music: If You Seek Amy - Britney Spears, Starfucker, Clap Your Hands Say Yea, Que Onda Guero - Beck

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last night i went to second saturday with emily rose. we went to molly carpenter's show at atelier and then camilla's show at cuffs. naturally we planned to see Luke and Madylin in all of their glory, but neither of us expected that within a block and a half of getting out of the car we'd already spot them. yes, luke is dating madylin. yes, the same madylin that so often warned me about how much of a jerk he was and how she didn't want me to get hurt. well way to go bitch, i didn't get hurt. i'm not hurt because i realize how stupid luke really is. he does things for his own self interest, but his plan is flawed because he doesn't even know what he wants. the interaction last night was limited but so loaded with awkwardness and satisfaction. i am thoroughly satisfied with the look on madylin's pale face. the one where she tried to seem like she wasn't looking down but she was and her eyes were big. it was the exact face i had anticipated, but better. it said "i know you know everything and i'm a dumb bitch for doing this and even more for not having the balls to say anything to you". it was beautiful and priceless.

explosion

this week has been extremely stressful and therefore frustrating. i went into this semester imagining that it would be even more of a cake walk then last semester, but so far everything has proved otherwise. i'm swamped with government reading, yearbook deadlines, artwork to finish, photoshoot business, and my final college app which is worrying me more than anything. some days i am confident and others i fear that i'm not good enough. the photoshoot plans are coming along well for the most part. i hit my first speed bump today when i went to elsie and brian's houses to pick out their outfits. elsie was completely cooperative, but that is more than i can say for brian. i don't mind that he has ideas but it is my project and i want it to be my way. the yearbook is killer. there are 10 of us in the class and about 5 of us even work. poor amy egerter is having to manage this but i'm helping as much as i can.

today i donated blood. it was probably one of the most productive and releiving parts of my day. ty lyman was seated across from me and he was really nervous because it was his first time. it was very satisfying to make conversation to him and try to stifle his fears. of course he passed out despite my telling him he'd be fine. i have had a crush on him for the longest time. he is just so cute. i felt totally fine while giving blood but i got a terrible headache about 10 minutes afterward and so claire drove me to her house and then we went to pick up my car later. i'm fine now.

Music: Breakin' - the All American Rejects

Uggs

i got my Uggs finally!!! throughout the years i have hated on the Ugg trend but they are undeniably cozy and i want to wear them everyday until it is warm again. i got the classic short boots in chocolate.


Music: You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
what can i say, it is a cliche sort of day.

picture perfect

i've discovered this:


this would be Garrett Forbes. he is a beautiful, godly, male supermodel. i'm sure he is gay but that is fine with me. i just can't stop looking at him with amazement. i stumbled upon his beauty as i was researching photos to help guide me on my next mission: a photoshoot featuring 3 of my male friends. i'm pretty stoked, but also very nervous. i've never done this before, but neither have they so it should be ok. after this one i am going to do one with girls hopefully. i just have to remember to be creative with my artistic license. no one judges me harder than myself, so i need to soften a little bit and be free with it.

Music: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Atmosphere

oh nine, oh nine, oh nine

alas it is the year two thousand and nine. the year i will not only graduate but also turn 18 and go off to college. now, i personally think that the New Year is a fake holiday that people use to make themselves feel better because the reality of the matter is that after the clock strikes midnight we will all be the same people we were just one minute before when it was still 2008. but enough with my cynicism. i feel that 2008 was a bit different than 2007. this year i feel that i lost some of my assurance or progress in figuring out what would happen to me in the future. i suppose i got a reality check on the actual size of my aspirations and dreams. there were also quite a few tough times with family, friends, and even school, but i know that most of them were learning experiences and i can only hope that the lessons from the rest will come to me with time. i did some regretable things, but i also did some fabulous things. i ended my junior year with my high school career's record high. i had a terrific summer with the french students. i found my niche of friends, who despite their ability to make me crazy make me even happier when they come together and be the group that makes me feel so at home. i took and passed my first AP test. i learned to chill. i slept in past 9, stayed up all night, and fell asleep in class, a lot. i made numerous new friends. i lost a few. i went on kairos and learned a little bit about what love really is. i maintained one of the most important relationships in my life, even with my huge mistakes. i developed two of the most important relationships of my life, and i'm getting really good at them. all in all i think 2008 was a tougher year than 2007, but i also think it was better for me. i feel 2009 will be tough, but great. it will be full of change but in a good way, i hope.