everything's not lost

i'm not what to say about the last few days. i'm back at one of those places where i have both good, fun times, as well as sadness and feelings of worry. in an overall sense, i've had fun, but there were times that weren't so great. i guess i'll just list of the good things, and then juble a paragraph full of the various not-so-fun feelings.

first off, I FINALLY GOT A JOB! i went for my second interview at freeport bakery and i got the job. i'm extremely relieved because i've been trying forever to get a job. it will be a lot to learn and possibly hard at times but i know i can do it if i just pay attention and try. i don't just want to keep the job. i also want to be good at it.

on friday night and last night sarah and i house-sat for her uncle. he has this really nice house in the gated community down the street from me. last night claire came with us and we had a dinner of chicken nuggets and diet pepsi. i had chicken nuggets for every meal yesterday! that is probably ridiculously unhealthy. we attempted to do some hw, but that didn't really work so we went to the mall to try on dresses. it sounded like a ton of fun but ended up being a fluke. after we headed to claire's and watched olympic diving. david boudia is sooooo cute!



now i've got to write my essay because we are going to disneyland before it is actually due. between school and the stresses of life, i'm getting a little overwhelmed. i suppose i've dealt with much worse but having the super carefree summer that i did just magnifies my troubles. un garcon is still on my mind and heavy on my heart and i have to wait it out which is not something i an very good at. i have to paint and create for art at all times and i have no creative energy right now. somehow i'm going to have to find some. yesterday we told stephanie about our issues in our friendship but that didn't really work out the way we had planned. i also have soccer, which i want to try hard at. i want to get in shape. i went to the gym on my own but with school and soon work i won't really have many opportunities to go. i guess i do feel better when i exercise and i do get reading done there. life is changing, and i can tell. i'm getting older. i don't mind. it is only the transitioning phases that drive me insane.

all jumbly

i don't quite know if i want to puke, or cry, or smile and move on. the third is least likely to happen because i am so stubborn and don't give up easily. the first is also not as likely to happen because i really hate puking, although many people say it makes you feel better when you need to do it. when i need to puke i hold it in with all my might. the second is most likely to happen, but i so don't want it to. i don't want to cry over this. you are all probably asking "what is this?" but i dont know if i want to disclose those details, making this all hard to understand. basically, the more i find out, the more i should give up and move on. sadly i'm so stuck on it that i can't seem to accept that at all. i don't care. i'm going to be my stubborn self and wait it out.
i just want to find the nick to my norah, the edward to my bella, the noah to my allie. i was so sure i'd get what i wanted this time, that everything would be great...at least for a little while. well, i got the shortest little while of my whole damn life.

keep praying for my "to be continued" to not become a "the end".

academically speaking

WARNING: this entry will be quite multifaceted. i will begin with the good and move on the the bad. there might be some ranting.

i started school on thursday. i suppose that is not really good. it just made me so tired and i got the worst headache. luckily my work load is minimal so far. friday was joe jonas' birthday so i baked a green cake with green frosting and told geanna to wear green with me. everyone liked the suprise.


on to the ranting. i've decided that i am completely codependent. i need people and i need to be with people. not being with them or around them, or just feeling isolated when i'm with them, drives me insane and makes me so frustrated. now this all has come about due to a boy [whom shall remain anonymous], which is truly ironic because it wasn't because i was having matrimonial thoughts about it. no, instead it was because he decided that he is going to play a nice little game with me where he ignores me and then after a three week period, finally sees me and then we repeat. its relatively confusing, however simple it sounds, and i hate it more than just about anything. the saddest thing is i can't hate him for it because i like him so much. i hate when boys are really cute because then you can't bring yourself to get angry. it is all total bullshit.

done, fo'reeeals

summer is over, officially. i declare it over RIGHT NOW. of course i have yet to finish my summer reading or my college planning homework [techinically]. if i look back on it, this really was the best summer yet which is good considering it is kind of my last one...as a kid. i do not like to think that i will be an adult soon. i mean, i love being independent and in control of myself, but i don't want to deal with the perils that are taxes, marriage, etc, just yet. i like having my...uh...youthful innocence. i both do and don't want to go to college. i hate this in between stage. i'm in the stage where you have to worry about college, like decide where you want to apply and if you have enough to get in blah, blah, blah. i hate that there is no gaurentee at the moment about what will happen. i want to know what the plan is so i can fully prepare myself for that fateful day that i leave this town to bigger and better things. i want to be able to worry about sorting what i have into "what i want to keep" and "what i want to leave behind me forever".

wish me luck at school tomorow! i'm so gonna get lost.

sunshine in my window

yesterday was basically my last hurrah! of summer, and i'm gonna go with "it couldn't have been better" because despite the not-so-good things, the good things really outdid themselves. i FINALLY got to see luke after like a month of phone tag and canceled plans. we went thrifting. i got this pretty cool crew sweathshirt that is United Colors of Benetton. it's made in italy. yea, ooooh [for all you who don't know, that is my little sound i make]. around 4 we went back to his house and then decided to get in touch with eden, my muse. i was so excited to see her!!! we sat and chatted until it was dinner time for her and time for us to leave. luke decided [and i think he is crazy for this] to accompany me for a night out to the drive-in with The Group. after a ton of embarrassing and ridiculous arguing and plan-changing, we ended up seeing the Dark Night [the original plan]. at the drive-in claire's ancient suburban's battery died. luckily we eventually got it jumped and headed home. i took luke home and then took all the pocket kids home and then i went home. ha. so i ended my summer with 2 days left to finish my work and with the gaining of a little life experience.

today my dad is taking my brother and i shopping. i dont know what my spending limit is but this is my list: cardigans/sweaters, high-top sneakers, camisoles, t-shirt tunics, and maybe doc martens. i really want some.

dirty dozen

from 6pm 8/8/08 until about 7 am 8/9/08 i was at my school working freshmen lock-in. that is a night where the freshmen class, led by seniors and the student council, stay at the school and do fun activities all night. the experience is meant to help them learn about the school, make new friends, and just be welcomed to Cb with open arms and get out some of those pre-high school jitters.
my own lock-in, back in the day, was a fairly good experience. due to some mosquito spraying, ours was held the friday after school started, meaning we had to go to school and then come back and stay awake all night. of course that didn't last long. after the semi-awkward group games and pretty incredible dance [where i naturally shared my first high school slow dance with an awesomely gorgeous senior boy], i was pretty much too tired to partake in any of the "energy time" activities and just couldn't wait to go home and sleep forever...and then do my hw.
i must say that however unforgettable my own lock-in was, this one was definitely better. i'm excited for this new class. except for a few obvious bad seeds and the occasional party-pooper, the kids immediately fell into the "community" of CB and their class. not one kid in my group didn't make some progress. they all had fun, danced for the first time [it wasn't all of their first times], found some activity that they wanted to partake in at CB, and most importantly, they all made lots of new friends. it was extremely fun to lead these freshmen and really make them feel welcome, because i know i didn't exactly experience that and possibly could put some of the blame for my crappy first year on that. not only did i help the kids have fun, but i had an incredible amount of fun with them and with my fellow seniors. this was the first time that it's really set in that school is here, basically, and i am a knowledgeable, authoritative, and even scary senior. but naturally, being me, i got lost on the way to my homeroom. HA.

the livin' ain't so easy

alas mighty august is upon us, or shall i say me. my easy-breezy-fun-filled summer is fighting with it's very last bit of might to continue, but the harsh reality is that i have school in just about one week. i have yet to finish my single summer novel, The Grapes of Wrath, and i am beyond behind on my 100-entry sketchbook for AP Art. throw in my still non-existent college essay and you have a recipe for a huge mess, or rather a very stress filled week ahead. the plan was for sarah and i to go to the house and knock out at least the college-planning homework and possibly half of my sketchbook. we ended up "waisting" 3 days of our technically 5 day trip reading Breaking Dawn. now i can't really call it a waste because the book was pretty great, but honestly, i needed to get that stuff done. now i am left to juggle promised plans with people and all of my piling up summer assignments, only to be greeted with actual school. fall will be stressful. i'll have to get back into the swing of school, being a senior and all, and then it will be college app season. somehow i will have to balance my focus on essays and applications for traditional universities with the creation of my fine arts portfolio. o yea, and don't forget that i have to retake the SAT and actually take the ACT. here's a big fuck you to standardized testing and the college board.
well, read it and weep folks. i'm off to figure out how i'm going to get all this done...right after i see The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants at midnight with two of my favorite "sisters".

short thoughts

now that the frenchies are gone, i feel a little empty. i'm sure i'll adjust. i'm a little worried about sarah as well. she seems a little quieter and more introverted than her usual self. i'm probably just really overreacting.

i got a ton of new music from my cousin's hard drive of music. i'm set for a long while. but i still want natalie portman's shaved head!!!

i like to watch sex and the city, along with the tv shows i keep on my dvr at all times. there really are few decent shows on these days. i find myself wanting to watch the same things over and over.

i'm going to the house from friday the 1st until the 5th, whenever that is. hopefully i will finish reading the grapes of wrath and get A LOT of sketches done. i really need to get to work. i'm sure i will be better centered after this trip. and of course it will hopefully be fun as well.