lately i've been thinking a lot about everything. when i say everything i mean school, friends, family, life, love, happiness, anger, and the whole array of human emotions basically. i'm sure it is all just some hormonal imbalance or something like that. i mean, i watched a lifetime-movie-channel movie today. that should tell you something.
i've spent a lot of time with what i would refer to as a new group of people. i am refering to "the group" and although they might not seem new, the reality is that they are. it wasn't until my junior year in high school that i actually had friends at my own school who i felt comfortable with and enjoyed spending time with. there were always kids who i was friends with and awkwardly went to do study groups with them or whatever. but this new group of friends is different. we just have fun being who we are. they don't try to be a certain way and honestly, neither do i. i just have them and i hope they feel the same way about me. i know i hate high school but if there were a list of the things that i enjoyed getting out of it, these people would most likely be at the top.
today i spent the day with my mother on our way to get my father whose motorcycle broke down. i never spend a lot of time with my family and usually when i do it is stressful and annoying. today wasn't any of that. i laughed with them. i smiled with them. i'm only sad that when we were leaving the house i couldn't even go up to my dad and hug him. i just felt so awkward and self conscience about it. i couldn't do it. and i hate myself for it because i'm sure one day when i am old and gray and my parents are gone i'll look back and wish i had. tomorrow is father's day and i don't think i will be spending the day with my dad. he is going to some place that he wants to go. i painted him a painting and everything. sometimes i feel i'm not adequate, and then there are times when i spend time with my family like today and i feel just perfect. i feel like we fit. sadly my brother was not there. he didn't want to be there. i don't know what the point is.
lastly, i watched that dumb lifetime movie. don't ever do that. those things will envoke feelings and questions you would've never discovered in a million years. they will confuse the hell out of you. this movie confused the hell out of me. the entire movie was about this girl who was "in love" with some lead singer of a band and they meet and he likes her and blah blah blah. the point is that i don't know what the actual point of the movie was. i was pondering whether the guy loved this girl and whether the girl was going to give up loving this impossible rockstar guy. in the end, none of my questions were answered and she just talked about how she was a woman. i mean, wtf was that. the entire time i'm pondering love and realizing how little i actually know about it. i don't know if i have ever been in love. if i dont know, then how will i know when i actually am in love? i mean, can you feel absolute true love more than once, or is it a fluke when it doesn't work out. i mean, don't you marry the person you are truly in love with? what if you marry too quickly and then you are just settling. how the hell are you supposed to know these things? i mean, my grandma married like 4 guys and finally is with one she really loves. well i suppose she really loves him. maybe she is just sick of looking and is settling even now. my god, this is all a bunch of crazy bull shit. i'm just genuinely confused and i guess worried. i don't like when i can't come to concrete realizations. maybe my realization is that love cannot be put into a rationalized realization. it is completely abstract and no one can define it. it is a 100% complete mystery that will hit you between the eyes before you ever see it coming.
i think that is it for now.
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