exercising

i just ended an hour and a half conversation with emily rose. i think it has been at least 3 months since we have spoken, and after the shit fest that went on with my parents last night, this large dose of gossiping was quite refreshing. if gossip girl were real life, emily and i would win hands down.

tomorrow is new year's eve and i have no idea what i am doing. it is a little sad because i was hoping to do something really exciting this year. alas, as i've been finding out recently, my resources are dwindling and therefore i don't even have plans to awkwardly make appearances at random Ckm and Cb parties. whatever. i'll make my own fun.

Music: TV on the Radio

errbody

the past 48 hours i have been at claire's house. this isn't really too big of surprise since sarah and i are pretty much always there, but i did just spend 2 full days and 2 full nights over there. both were fun. in n out burger, forking, countless hours of rock band, middle school antics, and fast food at 2 AM; a lethal combination for a good time if i do say so myself.




the next day mina had to go to work, geanna had basketball, and sarah had to go home and hangout with her family from Santa Barbara, so claire and i were on our own. because we could be out as late as we wanted, we wanted to be out late but we had some trouble finding something to do. we ended up eating at willy's, hanging out with eleni and brittany young for awhile and then going home around 12ish anyway. it was still pretty cool. brittany is hilarious! claire and i ended up chatting until bed time.

today i went to the mall with brian to buy a gift for annie. he is the most indecisive shopper in the world. i didn't really mind though because i like to shop for people. he ended up with some hella good looking sunglasses. i think we are going to watch House Bunny tomorrow. i'm just making everyone into a believer.

Music: Rihanna and T.I. - Live Your Life, Kanye West

we're young and in love

look at that magic. this is The Group and no matter what everyone else thinks or says, The Group will always live in my heart and this is the reason.

i'm so ready for christmas. i love the holidays. everything is just so happy and feels good. even the overcrowded malls and freezing weather have some sort of warmth that just comes with the holiday season. i've been having fun with my friends. we've been giving gifts and laughing. i love laughing. i love it.

claire gave me House Bunny on DVD!!!!

Music: Soco Amaretto Lime - Brand New, Natalie Portman's Shaved Head

a great miracle happened there

today my family and i went to berkely to celebrate hanukkah at my grandma's house. sarah and claire came too, big surprise. it was a very nice day. my cousins were all there who i haven't seen for quite awhile. we played pictionary and talked and laughed.

but perhaps the best moment we had today was one of the most bittersweet moments of my life. my grandmother prepared an informal memorial to my cousin rachael. naturally she could not read it without beginning to cry, so her friend carol was nice enough to finish reading it for her. despite me telling myself before hand that i would not cry, i could not help myself. i, like the rest of my cousins, began to well up and the tears were soon streaming down my face. i say this moment is bittersweet for a few reasons. first, because for once i decided that it was ok to cry and be sad even in front of all those people. second, because i was not alone because my family, and even my friends were there, and not for a second did i feel like i was being judged. i felt a sense of real family with my cousins crying in front of me, something that i honestly have a lot of trouble recognizing. now i am so terribly sad that rachael is gone, but it is wonderful to see a little light. you could say it was my hanukkah miracle.

go go go go

i'm losing it yet again. it seems that when things are going well i worry that something is wrong because things don't usually go well all the time. there was a brief period where i was carefree and happy all the time, but i can't know if that was real or not. i can't know if things then were the same as they are now and i was just acting differently.

on tuesday my ten year old cousin rachael died. it hasn't really hit me yet because she is all the way in north carolina and i haven't seen her or her parents or brother in a very long time. i cry in sadness that i never went to north carolina in the summer like i had been asked to so many times. i cry in sadness that she was so assertive and smart and at the tiny age of ten years old she died. i cry in anger because apparently it is causing some sort of drama for my father and his brother. it is in these times of sorrow that we need each other the most. this is one more of those things that we do not have any control over. i do not like it one bit.

Music: I'm Yours - Jason Mraz, Boats and Birds - Gregory and the Hawk

ridikulous

last weekend i had a huge anxiety meltdown from having my essay due and my final art review due but things went alright in the end. i just realized that i am not meant to be an over achiever because i can't handle that shit at all. in the end i finished on time and even got my art stuff done a day early, and i feel it turned out well. after everything was done i was ridiculously happy and the huge weight was lifted off of me. i suppose i am almost a person of extremes, but right now i'm really learning how to be more happy than upset. so far i'm doing an alright job.





as for other things, finals are coming but i'm taking responsibility and studying. i have limited distractions, although i'm looking for some. it is kind of bad, but break is coming and i don't want to be bored. i want to have fun and maybe something meaningful. idk. i just want to have fun at this point. i only have a few months of being a child left.

being open, being honest

honesty is the best policy. i cannot say that without hipocracy because i lie. yes, that is the honest truth, that i DO lie. little did i know that so many others around me, especially people who i thought were incapable of pulling the shit that i do, were in fact just as capable as i am. i don't know if i am mad, sad, upset, or nothing. well i figure i am not nothing. since when have i been known to be nothing about anything? never. so obviously i am confused on what to feel. once again it is proven that it is human nature to lie, hide, and worry. but i still maintain that honesty is the best policy. i like to be treated with the truth, and i often like to tell people the truth. the sad reality is that no one can handle it, not even me no matter how much i try to let on. i like to pretend though. but honestly (curse the word) i'd rather know the truth and have to be upset than to live a lie, or i'd at least be given the choice to live in denial. it feels more justified to me that way.

Music: the silence of my own heart, the chattering of my own brain

video girl

tonight was another fantastic night. i filmed open mic night, which i always enjoy somehow, and then i took valerie to morgan dahl's and hungout with eden. valerie, eden, and i had a nice chat in the car. i really do love her. she was an amazing kairos leader and is an inspiration and motivator to me. eden and i went to crepe escape and got coffee and talked. after they closed we headed to her house and ended up conversing for like an hour and a half or something. it was a well needed chill time and i absolutely love her to death.
two good nights in a row. now i must get to work on my art and my essay for shackel. POOOP. at least 1st semester is nearly ending.

Music: Cold War Kids, If I Were a Boy - Beyonce

foggy nights

it is december at last, the 12th and final month of 2008. it seems like not too long ago i was writing about the coming of it and now it is almost 2009, the year i will graduate, as well as turn 18.

but back to the smaller scale of recent events. the beginning of the day sucked so much. ms. holmes drove me insane and the yearbook comp decided not to save my best/most ballot chart so i had to count them again. but the evening was nice. tonight was mina's first night of work at the new in and out burger in west sac. we were all so proud of our darling mina that we went and ate dinner there. although we didnt get to talk to her, or really see her, we thought we saw her and our burgers tasted that much more delightful with the thought that mina might have handled them in some way. after food we went to IKEA because it is right next to it. of course we visited all the mock housing and pretended to live there and took part in "shenanigans" with all the furniture.





after we returned to claire's and everyone left i dropped off sarah and headed home. brian picked me up and we got ice cream and went back to his house. we got caught up watching the guardian on tv and talking about all my little annoyances. he ended up dropping me off around 12:45. it was ridiculously foggy outside you could barely see! so dangerous to drive. but we made it alive and he made it home as well.

Music: Salt Shaker - lil jon and the eastside boys, all things Rooney

thanks

my thanksgiving break was greatly needed and went pretty well. i can remember more good things than bad, so that is great. it is so odd to think that next time this year i will be traveling home for break, and the figuring out activities to squeeze into the 5 days will be even harder. good things from break:
1. saw twilight again
2. had fun with my friends
3. went on family vaca with the taylors (saw jack)
4. went to 2 volleyball games
5. spent way too much money
6. painted in my room
7. applied to college
8. saw javi
9. spent quality time with various people
10. was nice to my brother
11. had a good time at thanksgiving dinner with my family
12. found a new distraction
13. sarah wong's 18th birthday!