not even God can save me

i'm trying to be happy, i really am. i've had bad spells in my life but none were like this. one after the other, bad things just keep happening in my life. i try to cope with them, but they just keep coming to beat me harder into the ground. school isn't a big enough distraction. i can't tell if my grades are slipping, or if they will begin to. i find myself gazing off into day dreams. sometimes they are optimistic of what will happen if i just keep waiting things out and others are devastating nightmares of the past events that haunt my thoughts. this storm needs to pass. i can't take it. i won't let everything in my life go to shit. i just can't let that happen. i'm at a loss of what to do and i'm about to break. i need help.

i've really been contemplating God. i see people with such great faith, and it helps them. they accept everything that happens to them as something God feels is best for them. at times, i want to believe it, but when everything is going so terrible like it is now i just feel angry. i feel like, if there is a God, that i am being treated unfairly and picked on. i decided to participate in lent as a test of self and maybe a test of faith. so far i find myself praying everyday, constantly, for things to get better and it seems the more i pray, the less results i see. i really want to find something to help me be ok. if things aren't going to get better soon, i at least want to be able to deal. i'm losing it. i'm scared. i'm helpless.