create

like all great war torn countries, my life has been destroyed and is now, hopefully, in a state of reconstruction. i've been regularly meeting with mr. riley portal to straighten out my thoughts and feelings. though i am treading on a sea of egg shells, brian spoke to me for the first time in 4 weeks without getting angry at me. one of the biggest things i have found as a therapeutic escape is my art. painting has never given me more pleasure and i feel so greatful to have it. each day i count the sets until advanced painting and once i get there i feel as though i could paint all day. hopefully this will help my creativity flow and grow into many beautiful masterpieces. i spoke to mr. kirrene about my journalism application and what he put on my recommendation. that combined with my talk with mr. elberson made me realize that i am better off not in journalism. mr. elberson is not an intelligent man,nor does he run a quality paper. i do not want to be a part of a sham like that. instead i am going to take yearbook where i will be both under the control of a brilliant woman whom i respect and able to take pictures, which was all i really wanted in the first place. i'm hoping that everything can continue to get into a new swing, if it seems to be that i cannot have my old life back. i know it will go slowly, but that is much better than nothing.

jan 25

on january 25th, 2008 i laid the trap for myself in which my life would be destroyed. my life has been destroyed.

not even God can save me

i'm trying to be happy, i really am. i've had bad spells in my life but none were like this. one after the other, bad things just keep happening in my life. i try to cope with them, but they just keep coming to beat me harder into the ground. school isn't a big enough distraction. i can't tell if my grades are slipping, or if they will begin to. i find myself gazing off into day dreams. sometimes they are optimistic of what will happen if i just keep waiting things out and others are devastating nightmares of the past events that haunt my thoughts. this storm needs to pass. i can't take it. i won't let everything in my life go to shit. i just can't let that happen. i'm at a loss of what to do and i'm about to break. i need help.

i've really been contemplating God. i see people with such great faith, and it helps them. they accept everything that happens to them as something God feels is best for them. at times, i want to believe it, but when everything is going so terrible like it is now i just feel angry. i feel like, if there is a God, that i am being treated unfairly and picked on. i decided to participate in lent as a test of self and maybe a test of faith. so far i find myself praying everyday, constantly, for things to get better and it seems the more i pray, the less results i see. i really want to find something to help me be ok. if things aren't going to get better soon, i at least want to be able to deal. i'm losing it. i'm scared. i'm helpless.

conflict rabbit

so we didn't get picked for open mic but that is ok. we are having jonathan's birthday dinner tomorow night anyway. i ordered his present online but it hasn't come in. i dont think it will be here on time. he will have to deal.

sadie hawkin's was last weekend. it was a good way to have fun and get my mind off of everything else. here are some pictures. my date was spencer tierny. it was fun overall, but a little wierd for us because we aren't exactly really close friends or anything. after the dance most of our group went to nick's house. we played rock band which is pretty much amazing. i sang a lot and lost my voice again.








for now i am just waiting things out. i'm taking the path of the conflict rabbit. the conflict rabbit is something i made up to keep myself on track and to prevent any panic attacks or breakdowns. i sound like a mental case, but i'm really trying to have some self discipline. that is why i gave up meat for lent. it is a challenge for me, but i really want to succeed. it is valentine's day, and i came to a realization in math class. i don't remember what it was, but i liked it. that is all that matters.

holiday

clowdus, madylin and i are playing Holiday By Albert Hammond Jr. for open mic and we had to make a demo so we spent about 3 hours recording it today. it was amazing! the music business and process is very stressful and hard, but in the end you feel so good. i'm so excited!

a little light

the ny giants won the superbowl. a little light at the bottom of my hill. perhaps things will look up. i hope. i pray.

seventy times 7

the last 72 hours have been the most downhill 72 hours of my life. i'm not sure i can handle it. right now i feel like a small child who has been reprimanded for what they've done wrong and has to wait out the humiliation and suffer the punishment. you could say i've been socially grounded by my best friend. maybe i deserve it. maybe it needed to happen. i can't say that i'm happy about that, but perhaps this is what was intended to happen in order for me to get the real shock i needed for this lesson to get through my head. I'm not sure if the downhill part is over yet. i think if get some assurance that everything will go smooth and that it can start going uphill, then I'd feel much better. unfortunately there isn't. I've been contemplating if there is a god. i'm not sure if all of this is a sign to me. I'm not sure I'd be happy with whatever god decided it would be fun to put me in this situation. perhaps there is no God and i put myself into this situation. perhaps I've been abusive and it is time for me to be put in my place. they say everything happens for a reason. well, I'm waiting for the reason for all this and i hope it is a really good one. the last time i thought it was the real worst day of my life, it was only half of this. yesterday was the official worst day of my life.

they say, once you hit rock bottom, the only place left is to float back to the top. i'll just wait for that.