aim, snap, fail

i try too hard. i try so hard. i know this may be redundant, but i think it bears repeating. those aren't the words.

we put my dog to sleep today. my brother yelled at me because i wasn't crying when i got home and he thought i didn't even care that our dog is dead. i began to cry. i really have trouble with death. i mean that sounds like "well duh, its a sad and devastating event". but i mean it really bothers me. i think what bothers me is that it is the single, 100% completely permanent, fool proof thing. once you are dead, you are dead. there is no turning back, there is no refund. this year has been, what i would call for my life, full of death. i've lost 3 significant people in my life within an 8 month period. i can't even fathom the fact that these people and my dog are just gone. gone from the earth, gone from their homes, their jobs, their lives, and mine. it doesn't even bother me so much that no one knows where you go after you die. it really bothers me that they are no longer here with me. i can no longer enjoy their company. call me selfish, but i'd rather them stay here on the living earth with me than go to a so called "better place". it can't really be that much better. it is death. dead, not living, gone, never coming back.