aim, snap, fail

i try too hard. i try so hard. i know this may be redundant, but i think it bears repeating. those aren't the words.

we put my dog to sleep today. my brother yelled at me because i wasn't crying when i got home and he thought i didn't even care that our dog is dead. i began to cry. i really have trouble with death. i mean that sounds like "well duh, its a sad and devastating event". but i mean it really bothers me. i think what bothers me is that it is the single, 100% completely permanent, fool proof thing. once you are dead, you are dead. there is no turning back, there is no refund. this year has been, what i would call for my life, full of death. i've lost 3 significant people in my life within an 8 month period. i can't even fathom the fact that these people and my dog are just gone. gone from the earth, gone from their homes, their jobs, their lives, and mine. it doesn't even bother me so much that no one knows where you go after you die. it really bothers me that they are no longer here with me. i can no longer enjoy their company. call me selfish, but i'd rather them stay here on the living earth with me than go to a so called "better place". it can't really be that much better. it is death. dead, not living, gone, never coming back.

despite my previous feeling of despair and frustration, all has become well once again. although i shouldn't say ALL. that is a lie. but the things that matter most are better and that makes me happy. stress makes me worry and become even crazier than i already am. i feel bad for the people who have to deal with me when i get like that. luckily the people that matter deal with it and realize that i don't mean to be that way. i cannot disclose many details so that is all i will say. just know, things are well.

there isnt anything interesting to say really. the only thing i can think of is this: Recently i have discovered this creature of what i would call beauty. zach efron for all you not-so-with-it people. yes, sadly he is the star of high school musical, which i hate, but he himself is wonderful to look at.

enough about him. today i went to my first soccer practice of the season. it was interesting i guess. there are only 4 returning players from last year, 5 including me. i've been on this team for so many years and we've never had this many new players. it is nice but i also miss my friends. luckily we have another girl who seems like she will be tough and maybe get in some fights. i tend to play tough and occasionally get into fights and the rest of my team thinks i am crazy. this year should be fun. i see some skill, and yet i am one of the somewhat better players so i can't be certain. i really am not that good but compared to most of them i am doing right nice.

school is whatever. people at school are half whatever and half wonderful. i've decided i need to scope out a homecoming date. yea, right. brian and i haven't been able to hangout because i have school so much. i miss him, but we will find time. on the other hand i am going to hangout with emily rose in the very near future. this makes me happy. THE END.

FINALLY, a moment of peace. all i have been doing since last thursday is reading and working and i hate it all. i don't want to say "yes i have a lot of homework" yet because i don't know if this is just the beginning or if it's just going to be like this all the time. i can only hope for the latter. i miss summer vacation and i can't wait for winter vacation. i can't wait for the public school kids to start school so i won't feel like i'm missing out on things so much. this way they will be just as busy as i am and we can plan around school together.

i don't know what else to say. my brain and body are exhausted.

on thursday i started school, so naturally i've been busy. i've come to the realization that Thursday, August 16th, 2007 was the first day of the end of my social life. literally every teacher told us "this class is a lot of work. it is hard, but if you are willing to work hard you will be ok". so basically i am expected to "work hard" for 7 classes. so far i think my favorite teacher is Mr. Van den Bogart for physics. he seems like a really nice guy and he has already shown good teaching skills which makes me happy. of course my favorite class will be art with McGov because it is art and because McGov is my mayne man. my locker is on the bottom this year, which is a real pain but i'm too lazy to go ask to get it changed. i really don't care that much anyways because i know all the people around my locker and have no problem yelling at them to get out of my way. i've already tried to start getting ahead on my reading because pretty much every class has a shit load of reading to do. it is making me miss the days of worksheets and poster projects. i did see Mr. Kirrene yesterday after school. that really made me happy. he said i seemed happy, which he was glad to see and i have to say i really was/am. despite all the coming stresses, i am happy and hope to continue that. it is amazing how certain people can just brighten your day.

"A Friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

i've decided to write not about my daily activities from yesterday, but about people with whom i couldn't live without. it may seem adolescent to pick these kind of people but i truly have come to the understanding that they are important and necessary in my life.


first and foremost, of course, would be Mr. Brian Mitchell. he is and i like to think will always be my Best Friend as long as it is in my control. we've been best friends since the 7th grade. that means we've grown through the years of middle school and still seem to survive the years of high school together. i've never kept a best friend for this long ever before. i can't be 100% sure why brian is my best friend. i suppose it is because he is so carefree and kind. i learn from him the qualities of a better human being. when he says he won't tell, he doesn't. when you need someone who won't judge, he listens without judgment. even when he isn't aware of it, he is being a good person. as i am one who overthinks and analyzes just about everything, he is the complete opposite and is carefree. he doesn't question often and he doesn't get into things that don't concern him. it brings a balance to my life. he runs his life according to him, but makes time for the people in his life. this is something important i am learning from him, because i've realized that you have to do things for yourself and not worry so much about what other people will think about it. the right people will accept you for who you are. one last, but ever so important, thing i've learned from brian is that not everything in the world is under your control. sometimes you just have to let things run their course, go with the flow so to speak, and accept what is going to happen. this is one of the greatest life lessons he has taught me without even knowing it. as a best friend, i love him unconditionally and appreciate everyday we can spend together and grow as people in the world.


this post has been edited due to realities being revealed to me. i feel great sorrow in doing this but it has to be done in order for me to stop lying to myself.

last night was cray cray. i did not just say that. first i went to michael lopez's house. i havent seen him in forever. he pinned my dress so i can sew it and he showed me some of his dresses he made. they were really neat prints. we walked to the video store and rented 300 and then made milkshakes and he burned me some CDs. i now have plenty of lily allen. yesss! my parents are nazi's so i had to leave around 9:30.

i went home and around 11ish julia picked me up and i slept over at her house. it was so much fun. we are crazy. we watched "television" and ate sunflower seeds and went on myspace. haha. then today we went to take her dogs to get their nails clipped. penny, julia's little dog, was going insane, and winslow, the big one, peed in the store. we ran out immediately. after that julia's sister took us to panda express for some chinese cuisine. hahhaa. we went back to her house and took naps.

my dad picked my up and took me to guitar. we were really early so we ate dinner at la fiesta. havent been there in a long time. it reminds me of the sutter days. on that note, school is starting in 3 days. i'm not sure i'm ready for it but i am trying to be. i don't want it to hit me like a semi on the freeway. it shouldnt be too bad. tomorow brian, kyle, julia and sasha are coming over to watch movies and stuff. i'm excited. that is all.

i have decided to get my hair cut and colored like jenny lewis. this is a picture of her if you don't know what she looks like.



i want it to be straight up brown, and i want bangs all the way across. i'm going for a drastic change because i am bored with the way my hair has been for about a year now.

i went to my friend Kayla's sweet 16 birthday party tonight. i really enjoy all of these 16th birthday parties because it is a coming of age, right of passage sort of thing. it is an important time in a person's life and i feel nostalgic getting to share it with so many people. my 16th birhtday was literally the best day of my life so far. i know alot of people say that about a lot of days, but this is a time when i truly meant it. i only hope that everyone's 16th birthday can be the best day of their lives so far as well. i got to see a lot of kids who i hadnt seen since the beginning of summer. it was a lot of fun just to be around friends and fun and food. i ate a lot of potatoe salad, mmmmm.

tomorow i am going to kayla neto's house to finish our history homework before school. i can hardly believe summer will be over in a matter of 5 days. it seems like it has gone fast but really i've done a lot this summer and it has been fun. i've had some good and bad experiences but in the end this summer was a lot more meaningful and remember able than others.

between yesterday, last night, and today, it has been great.

yesterday after i got home i chilled for awhile and then julia came over. we just did girl stuff; watched movies, talked about stuff, ate snacks, and acted ridiculous. it was pretty hilarious because we get kind of crazy when we are alone together. i'd say if anyone were to witness it they'd check us into a psych ward.

today i went to sasha's house. I LOVE THE HAFTS. one of the large perks to being friends with sasha is her delightful family. her family really makes me realize how valuable good friends and people are to have in your life. they are just so hospitable and caring. it was really great to spend time with sasha since i hadn't seen her since she left for Russia. i can't believe she had to get her appendix taken out and was in the hospital on her own for 5 days in a foreign country. how scary. i got to see her scar today from the surgery. pretty sweet if i don't say so myself. we went to the mall for a few hours. it was pretty pathetic because neither of us had really any money to spend so we went bargain hunting. i ended up with a really nice little dress with metalic stripes and an owl necklace and pin. sasha got these really cute Grecian looking silver sandals. they were really cute. after we went back to her house and hungout in her room looking at scary movies we wanted to watch. her mom made dinner. it was this salad with a sort of limey-cilantro dressing and avocados, topped with grilled chicken. it was absolutely delicious. at dinner we were talking about the twilight zone. that show is really creepy if you know what it is. after dinner sasha and i went back into her room and talked about school and people and whatever else teenage girls talk about. most likley things you wouldn't want to know about. after that i went home.

i'm not exactly sure why i have decided to start this blog. i used to blog all the time and then i realized people probably didn't care about what i did everyday or even what i thought. i guess you could say this is for me. read and enjoy if you like i suppose. my predictions are that it will mostly contain my day-to-day activities with occasional rants about whatever i feel or think. you are being warned now. this is not for you so if you are annoyed or offended then you are welcome to stop reading at any time.

today was a nice day. i have a lot of nice days but that isn't saying i don't have bad ones. i woke up at about 8:30 and moved into the cool that is my parents bedroom so i could comfortably sleep until around 11. this is a huge accomplishment for me. i usually never can sleep past 9 at the latest. after getting up i found out that my mom was on her way home to take my brother to the orthodontist and my dad was home because the tv repair man was here. while my brother and mother went to the orthodontist, i took a shower. after i showered, my dad and i went to meet my mom and brother for lunch. we had chinese. it was delicious. i have been really craving chinese since we went on vacation to our beach house. you can't get anything besides barbecue or seafood anywhere to save your life. after that my dad dropped me off at Brian's house. we watched the PGA championship, of course. we talked a lot about a lot of things which is good because for a little while we seemed a little closed. i had a lot of fun, which is usually the case. my mom picked me up around 4:45 and took me to the eye doctor to pick up my sunglasses. they are Fendi and they are BEAUTIFUL. i love them so much. now i am home. i wonder what is for dinner.