aim, snap, fail

i try too hard. i try so hard. i know this may be redundant, but i think it bears repeating. those aren't the words.

we put my dog to sleep today. my brother yelled at me because i wasn't crying when i got home and he thought i didn't even care that our dog is dead. i began to cry. i really have trouble with death. i mean that sounds like "well duh, its a sad and devastating event". but i mean it really bothers me. i think what bothers me is that it is the single, 100% completely permanent, fool proof thing. once you are dead, you are dead. there is no turning back, there is no refund. this year has been, what i would call for my life, full of death. i've lost 3 significant people in my life within an 8 month period. i can't even fathom the fact that these people and my dog are just gone. gone from the earth, gone from their homes, their jobs, their lives, and mine. it doesn't even bother me so much that no one knows where you go after you die. it really bothers me that they are no longer here with me. i can no longer enjoy their company. call me selfish, but i'd rather them stay here on the living earth with me than go to a so called "better place". it can't really be that much better. it is death. dead, not living, gone, never coming back.

despite my previous feeling of despair and frustration, all has become well once again. although i shouldn't say ALL. that is a lie. but the things that matter most are better and that makes me happy. stress makes me worry and become even crazier than i already am. i feel bad for the people who have to deal with me when i get like that. luckily the people that matter deal with it and realize that i don't mean to be that way. i cannot disclose many details so that is all i will say. just know, things are well.

there isnt anything interesting to say really. the only thing i can think of is this: Recently i have discovered this creature of what i would call beauty. zach efron for all you not-so-with-it people. yes, sadly he is the star of high school musical, which i hate, but he himself is wonderful to look at.

enough about him. today i went to my first soccer practice of the season. it was interesting i guess. there are only 4 returning players from last year, 5 including me. i've been on this team for so many years and we've never had this many new players. it is nice but i also miss my friends. luckily we have another girl who seems like she will be tough and maybe get in some fights. i tend to play tough and occasionally get into fights and the rest of my team thinks i am crazy. this year should be fun. i see some skill, and yet i am one of the somewhat better players so i can't be certain. i really am not that good but compared to most of them i am doing right nice.

school is whatever. people at school are half whatever and half wonderful. i've decided i need to scope out a homecoming date. yea, right. brian and i haven't been able to hangout because i have school so much. i miss him, but we will find time. on the other hand i am going to hangout with emily rose in the very near future. this makes me happy. THE END.