Thoughtful

IT'S THANKSGIVING! What does that mean? It means we eat til we can eat no more, wait, and eat more!!!!! No, no, no. I want to take this time to really think about what Thanksgiving is for: being grateful for all of the wonderful things we have in our lives. This past year (and a half almost) I feel like I've really grown up and began to appreciate things I've been taking for granted. This Thanksgiving (or rather, now) I want to list just a few things I'm really thankful for.
1) My Parents: In todays world it is rare to go through your entire life (or even childhood) with both of your parents by your side and in the same house. I used to think that my parents didn't care about me and just counted down the days until I would go to college and move out. I accepted it because I was pretty independent from a fairly young age, and I thought if I just tried to be tough about it I could be an adult from age 16 and do things alone. I was wrong. My parents didn't want me to move out because they were sick of me. They wanted me to go to college and become an adult so they could be proud and watch me succeed; a guarantee that they taught me well. And they did. I'm only a sophomore in college (or really ALREADY) but I am just seeing now, after many life changing mistakes, twists and turns in the continuing journey, that I just might have what it takes, that my parents have always been there for me, will always do their best to be there for me, and I couldn't be more thankful for all the opportunities they have worked hard to provide for me, my brother and our family even through imperfections, disagreements, and hardships.
2) My Friends: Now, I do know a lot of people, but I wouldn't consider every single one of them "my friend". The people this is directed at will know who they are. I admit, I can be very difficult, disagreeable, harsh, and even down right mean with the best of them. But the important thing is that deep down inside I am a good person and there are a few friends I've met in my short 19 years of life who have really made me see that I must be a good person. How? Because they are the greatest of people. I gravitate towards these amazing people who love me and are there for me even when I'm awful to them. They remind me of the capacity to be good, to care about others, and to forgive and look past the flaws and appreciate that people in the world are beautiful and just want to be nice if you let them. They've put up with all my crap for years, and for that I thank them. Thank you for giving me 2nd, 3rd, even sometimes 4th chances and never giving up on me, being there when it means the most, and reminding me that there are great people in the world and teaching me how to be one of them.
3) My Creativity: This sounds awful and conceited, but where would we be if no one believed in themselves? This past year has been difficult. I went from accepting that I was mediocre to, just very recently, realizing my true potential. I'm thankful that I am very creative. My mind is constantly moving and creating. Whether its ideas are useful or not, it never stops. Being creative and making beautiful things is something I enjoy and I'm thankful to be capable. I realize that not everyone is and it is a gift.
4) Less Important Things That Make My Life Enjoyable: being an American, Harry Potter, the indie music scene, golden iphone covers, chicken nuggets, fashion magazines, funny Jewish boys, etc., etc., etc.

Think about what you are (or should be) thankful for this Thanksgiving. Even share if you'd like! I'd love to hear!

And I hope you enjoy the holiday whether you are alone, with friends, or family.

Day 3: A PIcture of What You Did Today

So I didn't actually draw that today. I drew it last night. This is the first time I've drawn since I left CCA, and I obviously am pretty out of practice but I'm still fairly proud with the way this turned out. Photobooth is obviously not the best way to showcase anything, but you get the main idea. The reason I posted it as something I did today is because its a drawing of a photo of one of my best, oldest friends, Brian. He just got back from summer school in Santa Barbara and I finally got to see him after 6 long weeks! We had one of our classic chats about anything and everything. And then I had to go to work. Typical!

Music: Howl - Florence and The Machine

Yea Boi

This weekend I did something similar to what I discussed in my last post: I went on a trip to the Bay Area and had carefree, spontaneous fun. The trip was planned. I went to see my friend Lydia in Oakland on Friday, Sini in Orinda on Saturday, and Abe in Berkeley on Sunday, and then my grandparents for dinner before I headed home. I had loose plans with each of them and each hang out went beyond my expectations as we rolled with whatever came our way. Things ended up being not only really fun, but even more awesome fun than i had expected. I did get to release some of that youthful energy I felt being wasted previously. I drove with the windows open and the music loud. I got lost and found my way back without freaking out. I smoke, I drank , I ate. I smiled at the fun I was having while I was having it.
I shall now go catch up on the sleep i missed this weekend. Worth it :D

Music: I Feel Just Like a Child - Devendra Banhart

Dearest Friend

Dearest Friend, I love you. Dearest Friend, I miss you. Dearest Friend, I will never stop loving you or missing you. We are in different places. We may always be in different places from now until we die but you will always be on my mind and you will always be in my heart. Every year on your birthday I will think of you and find some way to tell you "Happy Birthday my very good friend. I wish you the best!" And i do. I wish you the best. One day we will be at each other's weddings. We will see each other happier than ever. We will smile at each other and say "Congratulations!". Our smiles will be full of the purest joy that can only come from loving friendship like ours. It seems to get harder as the two of us grow older, but I'll never give up because i believe in you. I believe in our friendship as though it were a physical object I can smell and taste and hold in my hands. I do hold it. I hold it in my hands and I hold it in my heart and I will never let it go.

lately i've been really realizing who my true friends are. in a few months i will leave to a new place, and i won't come back for any permanent reason. when i leave i will be given the choice to hold on to the people i want to and let go of the ones i can and should be without. thank you to anyone who has been a true friend to me, never wronging me intentionally, always worrying about me, putting up with the fact that i'm not always the best person, and loving me despite anything and everything. if this is you, you'll surely know who you are. thank you to anyone who has wronged me, who has maliciously tried to cause chaos and stress in my life. without you to compare the good ones to i wouldn't know just how great they are. i hope you can possibly find some better purpose in your life someday.

talkin' about my best friends

i'm blogging when i should be showering.

most should be aware of the fact that i chose to leave art school last semester in order to move back home and figure shit out. well, while i figure shit out i've also found that life in sacramento, post- high school, can be quite lonely for a girl like me. while most of my closer friends are either away at their own institutions of higher learning, are still in high school and/or already have other established lives in sacramento i find myself spending a lot of time without human company. i say "human" because i have a few good friends. there are four of them and i'd like to tell everyone about them.

1. Spartacus: dear ole' Sparty is my macbook whom i would die without. (not even exaggerating.) i almost never turn him off and he connects me to my other far away friends with his wireless internet capabilities. he also allows me to write these blogs, listen to music, and create mindless manuscripts and illustrator documents with all of my spare time. we have only been together about 9 short months, but we are the best of friends.
2. Frederick: Frederick William is my cellular telephone device. he replaced Jamal, my previous phone. Frederick and i have a love hate relationship. i only tend to love him when he rings a lot. it is not his fault. he is not in control of any of these circumstances. we are working on our relationship.
3. Sven: sven and i have had our affair for quite some time now. he goes with me just about everywhere and has endured many a long nights in the frigid cold glove box of my car. tougher than nails, and trendier than any other german disco dancer you've ever seen, Sven is my beloved ipod. however he is full and i am kind of looking into getting a man who can better handle my large music collection.
4. Hovno: last but not least is little Hov whom i have not really hung out with in awhile but starting next monday we will begin our formal efforts for becoming reaquainted. although my love for his namesake, Dave and the PWT's, has diminished i will always love my baby Hov. i can't wait until we will once again make beautiful music together.

Music: Lovegame - Lady Gaga

please don't think i'm crazy.

let you shine

today my best friend is leaving for college. that means yesterday (technically) i had to say goodbye. im out of words, for once. just know it was extremely difficult. i realize this sounds over dramatic, like someone died or something, but things like this are hard for me. i'm just trying to keep in mind that this is a necessary step in our lives. we are going to college to finish becoming the people we were meant to be and to pursue our own dreams even if that means not being in the same place as one another.

Music: Golden Slumbers - the Beatles

see you later

Claire leaves tomorrow, meaning today we all said our "goodbyes". i really am not in the mindset to say farewell to all of these people who i've spent the majority of my time with for the last four or so years of my life. nonetheless i cried of course. i cry every time we ever had a heart-to-heart so of course i would cry as i sent one of the best friends i've ever had in my life off to Houston, Texas. i'm not really worried about how she will be in college. i have full faith that she will succeed in everything she wants to do. i'm more worried about how i will be in a place without her.

i can't believe we are all leaving. it is bittersweet but necessary. this is the beginning of the next chapter of our lives.


i leave in 8 days. i've attempted to start packing up my stuff and i've found that i absolutely suck at it. i have so much stuff and i really wish i could bring all of it, but i can't. picking and choosing what to bring is hard and then of course i know i'm sooo worried about not having my entire wardrobe that i'm going to forget something essential like my underwear or phone charger. this is another time where i wish i were the second sibling to go to college so my parents would know exactly what to do. when i ask them to help me figure out what i should take and what i should omit they just start babbling on about something not pertaining to my question. either that or they make a joke about how retarded it is that i have so many pairs of shoes. deep breathes. i will get through this.

Music: Fifteen - Taylor Swift (in honor of Claire)

girl

i have this incredible friend and her name is Elise Delgado. i never truly realized just how incredible she was until very recently but when i actually sat down and thought about it all signs from the day i met her pointed to it. i met her in the 8th grade in Leadership class. leadership was a really fun class where we planned school activities and it was selective so everyone in it was pretty great. Elise and i were paired together, just the two of us, to a committee whose job was to make a calendar and some sort of informative add every month for a display case near the elevator. i was just coming into my own as a person and not even close to being an artist, not to mention i really did not know Elise at all, so i was very nervous about the whole deal. there really was no reason for the nerves. i don't even remember any really specific incidents during that time but i know that the entire time i had fun with Elise, worked well with her, and admired her from the get go.
Elise and i ended up going to the same high school. for a short time freshmen year i mainly hungout with a group of girls which she was one of. this was when i first learned about her up front, sort of brutally honest character. being in my insecure freshmen stage i really didn't know how to deal with it and therefore i ran away from Elise and those other girls. this was a huge mistake. through out high school i didn't really spend too much time with Elise but any time i did spend with her i felt good about. she, being a lot like me, appreciated my honest, usually cynical comments. she always laughed at them which was my goal in even saying them. i witnessed her intense concern and dedication to her friends, including myself if there ever were any problems. i saw her dedication and loyalty to her family and anything she ever did: school work, clubs, sports, etc.
senior year our school participated in the Every 15 Minutes Program which is a campaign to educate teens and prevent drunk driving. Elise's dad is a teacher at our high school so their family was chosen to be involved with E15. Elise and her father were in the simulated car crash and Elise was chosen to be the girl who ended up in a wheel chair. although the entire thing was fake i cried so much watching that video and seeing Elise, a star athlete and energetic friend, come down the aisle unable to walk. i questioned why i was even crying this much. yes the event was tragic, but it was fake. i thought i wasn't even close enough to her to be so intensely sad.
a couple days ago i discovered that my vacation plans conflicted with her going away party and my instinct was to find any way possible to see her before i left because i couldn't imagine never seeing her before the both of us left. i had originally given first priority to trying to see my best friend Brian before i left, but Elise became top priority. the jump felt a little weird in my mind but i just texted her and made the plans. i felt that i would drive 100 miles if that was what i had to do.
tonight it hit me. the story i just told about Elise makes it so obvious that Elise is one of the greatest friends i have. i don't mean that i feel closest to Elise. she definitely spends a lot more time with other people and we don't exactly talk super often but i admire Elise much more than a lot of people. she never makes me feel bad about the way i am. if she does it is in a gentle way which makes me see what i am doing wrong and inspires me to do better. she inspires me to be good because she holds the same honesty that i do but is so wise in the way she uses it. i love knowing people like Elise; genuinely great people who not only inspire me but also so many other people. tonight is probably the last time i will get to see her before we both leave for college and that makes me cry, but i know that when we come back for holidays she will be there and i will look forward to hearing from her and seeing her.

Music: Resolution - Jack's Mannequin