Friday: i ran errands by myself. it was actually very relaxing and fulfilling. first i went to barnes and nobles where i managed to spend a $50 giftcard on books. i bought Everything Is Illuminated, Atonement, 21 [for stephanie's bday], and this book i just found called The Delivery Man. i haven't bought books in a long time so i was/am really excited. after that i went to the beat to buy my ticket for thursday [the matches]. since i was already in that part of town, i called my mom to see if she wanted to go to lunch. i ended up picking her up and meeting my dad somewhere. lunch was not that great and my parents kinda drive me nuts but it wasn't a big deal. after that i went home and napped. that was great. when my parents and brother got home we went to dinner and to the art store. i got an easel !! i'm so excited/happy. once we went home i set it up and immediately went to work on my most recent project. now my room is even more of a sanctuary. i pretty much painted all night.
Today/Saturday: i woke up and painted. i'm pretty much finished with my current project. i'm not sure what i will do next. my mom brought me some lunch and then i went to michael's garage sale. he measured me for my dress and we walked to peet's and whatnot. i spent about 3 hours there. after i went home, i attempted to make plans with sarah wong and elsie and stephanie. this was all interupted by a little scheme by emily and brian. basically brian offered to hangout with me, and once i accepted, he threw in the catch about emily coming too. well i took it and made the best of it, i suppose. of course i was really upset by the whole ordeal. they came to my house and left after like 30 minutes because they had to go to a party without me. it was completely rude and terrible but i dont want to talk about it and i'm taking care of it. after they left i went to big spoon with sarah and we went to nick's house. madylin came and we drove around and did nonsense. they helped me to feel much better and really organize my thoughts. i've come to realize that brian will get over emily one day. i shouldn't ruin my life over their immaturity. i just want to talk to brian about the shit talking and honestly, i don't want to talk about this anymore. i just want things to be back to normal. i'm sick of feeling down because i already apologized and did what i could do. i'm done. i should've been done long ago.
more on break later.
3.23.2008
3.21.2008
make your mark
conclusion i've come to: it's not a secret if more than one person knows.
i'm back in my shell again, not trusting ANYONE [minus mr. riley portal]. this is a bad place to be in, and i know it, but i can't help it. i've been betrayed too many times. the truth hurts, but sometimes things are just meant to be kept to oneself. if more than one person knows, then there is no guarantee of that.
i'm finally on spring break. the list of activities is endless. i've got a hair appt, college visit, mini golf, mongolian bbq, movie night, and lots of other stuff planned. i'm going to spend a lot of time with the south sac kids. i have to work on history, my gatsby essay, and my spanish project. i'm going to paint. i want to have a lot of fun, get a lot done, and get things in order so that i can get out of my current state and finish out this semester well. i have SAT's and Ap testing coming up in just over a month. i need to minimize my distractions and maximize my work ethic.
today lent was over, so albert, sarah wong, and j.r. and i went to denny's. i had some chicken strips and i honestly wanted to cry when i took the first bite. this vegetarian thing has been good for me, but i'd die without chicken. i had dinner at stephanie's and ate a little steak, but i wasn't impressed. i can do without it.
at stephanie's we played wii for hours. i'm getting pretty good at the tennis and the baseball. it's really a lot of fun and gives you quite a workout if you treat it like real sports. emily and her little friend ryan [i call him ryry, but not to his face] came home from golfing and we all chatted and then ate dinner. after dinner we went bowling. i tried to beat ryry, since i am such a fabulous bowler, but he ended up beating me. it was a lot of fun. i really like stephanie and her family. ryry is practically family since he and emily will get married someday. hahah. i think it is really cute how emily and ryan like eachother and make any excuse to hug or touch. he leans his head on her shoulder when they sit on the couch. i'm honestly a bit jealous, but i'm also very happy for emily.
i'll update more on the break later, naturally.
i'm back in my shell again, not trusting ANYONE [minus mr. riley portal]. this is a bad place to be in, and i know it, but i can't help it. i've been betrayed too many times. the truth hurts, but sometimes things are just meant to be kept to oneself. if more than one person knows, then there is no guarantee of that.
i'm finally on spring break. the list of activities is endless. i've got a hair appt, college visit, mini golf, mongolian bbq, movie night, and lots of other stuff planned. i'm going to spend a lot of time with the south sac kids. i have to work on history, my gatsby essay, and my spanish project. i'm going to paint. i want to have a lot of fun, get a lot done, and get things in order so that i can get out of my current state and finish out this semester well. i have SAT's and Ap testing coming up in just over a month. i need to minimize my distractions and maximize my work ethic.
today lent was over, so albert, sarah wong, and j.r. and i went to denny's. i had some chicken strips and i honestly wanted to cry when i took the first bite. this vegetarian thing has been good for me, but i'd die without chicken. i had dinner at stephanie's and ate a little steak, but i wasn't impressed. i can do without it.
at stephanie's we played wii for hours. i'm getting pretty good at the tennis and the baseball. it's really a lot of fun and gives you quite a workout if you treat it like real sports. emily and her little friend ryan [i call him ryry, but not to his face] came home from golfing and we all chatted and then ate dinner. after dinner we went bowling. i tried to beat ryry, since i am such a fabulous bowler, but he ended up beating me. it was a lot of fun. i really like stephanie and her family. ryry is practically family since he and emily will get married someday. hahah. i think it is really cute how emily and ryan like eachother and make any excuse to hug or touch. he leans his head on her shoulder when they sit on the couch. i'm honestly a bit jealous, but i'm also very happy for emily.
i'll update more on the break later, naturally.
3.15.2008
10 things to 10 people
i took this from pachia's blog. i think it is a good exercise.
Write 10 things about 10 people without saying their names. Say something you would want them to know but wouldnt tell them.
1. i'll start with you because you are fresh on my mind at the moment. i'm very confused with where i stand with you. i know you've forgiven me, at least that is what you tell me, and i don't like to have drama, but the things you've done to me are horrible. you've taken advantage of my trust, used it to exploit me with the one person who probably means close to the most to me in this world. real friends wouldn't ever do that and so i guess i want to tell you that you will never be a real friend in my eyes. yes, i'll appease to you when you want to hangout and i'll be friendly, but the reality is i will never trust you and i keep up large, permanent boundaries with you.
2. you come next because i suppose you are indirectly related with the person above, and let me tell you, it is definitely not by my choice. i did something terrible to you, but i am tired of appologizing because apologies are something you don't seem to accept. sometimes i tell you things in hope of invoking an emotion inside of you so that you can understand where i am coming from, but i've come to the conclusion that this emotion i am seeking to strike does not exist mutually. in the past, we've had our little tiffs but everything came back alright. without communication, i can never know the things that upset you and the things that i should stop doing. maybe i'm immature, but you are immature too. what happened between us was bad, but not so bad as you ruin everything that we had. i know you say what you need it time, but it think you think that if enough time passes by i will give up. i will not. i will wait week after week after week for you to accept me again the way you used to. don't say i'm living in the past by hoping for this, because the past i live in was a few short weeks ago that have been made into an eternity by the heavy emotions of the situation. i do love you, but i am not in love with you. you've held a special place in my life for such a long time. filling that space with something else would be a difficult and painful task.
3. this person is more like a pair. i'll speak to you both together. now that i am getting older and becoming an adult (so to speak), i need you to realize that maybe i have things under control. i'm trying to seperate my dependence on you as much as i can in order to prepare myself for what comes next. i've noticed that your extreme actions and attitudes are something that has also infested my character and i try to fight it because i see what harm it does to situations. i love you two with all my heart, but there is a part of me that seriously feels that once i go away, i won't come back forever.
4. you are a great friend, even if you might not be the greatest person. i know you are growing, just as i am. i know things in your life are not very stable and it isn't your fault. i do not condone your behavior but i feel that as long as i stick with you when i need you that i can help you learn to correct your mistakes. sometimes i am short with you because i can't take it when you do something stupid yet again, but really that is my own place of growth that is not complete. i have every hope for you that you will leave this borken place and become something great.
5. quiet as you are, the few words you speak are good ones. i appreciate the friendship you provide and the insight you give, especially when it comes to my artwork. i trust your opinion. you are truthful without being hurtful. you are an incredibly talented, intelligent, beautiful person, and i am glad to say i know you because one day you will go farther than us all.
6. you are one of the best people i have ever met in the entire world. when i graduate, it will have been because of you. high school is a terrible experience, but i'm getting through it with your help. even if you just sit there in silence, it seems to make my problems become clearer. what you do for me, and others is just an amazing thing and we are all so blessed to have you.
7. when i graduate from CB, it will be because of you. my first year of high school was not the experience i had hoped for. i got through it, but only with your help and inspiration. talking to you always had me in tears, but you eased the stress and helped me to deal with things. it was your influence that kept me at CB where i have now learned to grow in ways impossible anywhere else. i am sad i can't have you as a teacher again, but i know you are always there in the office if i need you. you are a great person, the perfect role model, and your life is one everyone should dream of.
8. you are a truer friend to me than most, and i think i take you for granted. i know i have and i am trying to less now. i want you to know that i really care about you and you are a great part of my life. i know i'm deffinitly rude to you sometimes and that is a quality in myself that i need to fix. i wish you well forever.
9.....10....
sadly, i can't even think of 2 other people. maybe later. i know no one reads this, but if you do, tell me who you think they are. i'm curious if these feelings and messages are already apparent.
Write 10 things about 10 people without saying their names. Say something you would want them to know but wouldnt tell them.
1. i'll start with you because you are fresh on my mind at the moment. i'm very confused with where i stand with you. i know you've forgiven me, at least that is what you tell me, and i don't like to have drama, but the things you've done to me are horrible. you've taken advantage of my trust, used it to exploit me with the one person who probably means close to the most to me in this world. real friends wouldn't ever do that and so i guess i want to tell you that you will never be a real friend in my eyes. yes, i'll appease to you when you want to hangout and i'll be friendly, but the reality is i will never trust you and i keep up large, permanent boundaries with you.
2. you come next because i suppose you are indirectly related with the person above, and let me tell you, it is definitely not by my choice. i did something terrible to you, but i am tired of appologizing because apologies are something you don't seem to accept. sometimes i tell you things in hope of invoking an emotion inside of you so that you can understand where i am coming from, but i've come to the conclusion that this emotion i am seeking to strike does not exist mutually. in the past, we've had our little tiffs but everything came back alright. without communication, i can never know the things that upset you and the things that i should stop doing. maybe i'm immature, but you are immature too. what happened between us was bad, but not so bad as you ruin everything that we had. i know you say what you need it time, but it think you think that if enough time passes by i will give up. i will not. i will wait week after week after week for you to accept me again the way you used to. don't say i'm living in the past by hoping for this, because the past i live in was a few short weeks ago that have been made into an eternity by the heavy emotions of the situation. i do love you, but i am not in love with you. you've held a special place in my life for such a long time. filling that space with something else would be a difficult and painful task.
3. this person is more like a pair. i'll speak to you both together. now that i am getting older and becoming an adult (so to speak), i need you to realize that maybe i have things under control. i'm trying to seperate my dependence on you as much as i can in order to prepare myself for what comes next. i've noticed that your extreme actions and attitudes are something that has also infested my character and i try to fight it because i see what harm it does to situations. i love you two with all my heart, but there is a part of me that seriously feels that once i go away, i won't come back forever.
4. you are a great friend, even if you might not be the greatest person. i know you are growing, just as i am. i know things in your life are not very stable and it isn't your fault. i do not condone your behavior but i feel that as long as i stick with you when i need you that i can help you learn to correct your mistakes. sometimes i am short with you because i can't take it when you do something stupid yet again, but really that is my own place of growth that is not complete. i have every hope for you that you will leave this borken place and become something great.
5. quiet as you are, the few words you speak are good ones. i appreciate the friendship you provide and the insight you give, especially when it comes to my artwork. i trust your opinion. you are truthful without being hurtful. you are an incredibly talented, intelligent, beautiful person, and i am glad to say i know you because one day you will go farther than us all.
6. you are one of the best people i have ever met in the entire world. when i graduate, it will have been because of you. high school is a terrible experience, but i'm getting through it with your help. even if you just sit there in silence, it seems to make my problems become clearer. what you do for me, and others is just an amazing thing and we are all so blessed to have you.
7. when i graduate from CB, it will be because of you. my first year of high school was not the experience i had hoped for. i got through it, but only with your help and inspiration. talking to you always had me in tears, but you eased the stress and helped me to deal with things. it was your influence that kept me at CB where i have now learned to grow in ways impossible anywhere else. i am sad i can't have you as a teacher again, but i know you are always there in the office if i need you. you are a great person, the perfect role model, and your life is one everyone should dream of.
8. you are a truer friend to me than most, and i think i take you for granted. i know i have and i am trying to less now. i want you to know that i really care about you and you are a great part of my life. i know i'm deffinitly rude to you sometimes and that is a quality in myself that i need to fix. i wish you well forever.
9.....10....
sadly, i can't even think of 2 other people. maybe later. i know no one reads this, but if you do, tell me who you think they are. i'm curious if these feelings and messages are already apparent.
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